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"She's being a typical anorexic teenager."
But I was sick to my stomach because of my migraine.
"You never eat. Why do all girls not eat?"
I'm not like "all girls", I'm really just not hungry, especially out in social situations. I get nervous.
"Are you anorexic?"
No. I need to gain weight, actually. I eat chocolate and junk all the time, you'd think I'd be fat!
"You must be anorexic to takes two bites and be done."
The chicken is dark and stringy, and I OCD like crazy over chicken. It has to be white meat is all! I pick it apart a lot, but I am eating!
"You're never hungry!"
I am! I am, I am, I am!!!!
Why do I have to be anorexic because I pick at my food a lot when certain pieces look weird? Why do I have to be anorexic because I get migraines and get sick to my stomach with them? Why do I have to be anorexic because I get anxious in social situations? Why do I have to be anorexic because I'm thin? Why do I have to be anorexic because I'm a girl? Or a teenager? Why has everyone I've ever met not asked, but SAID I'm anorexic?!?!?! For the love of God, I'm not! Do you know the definition? Here it is, directly copied and pasted:
"Anorexia nervosa"
Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder that makes people lose more weight than is considered healthy for their age and height. Persons with this disorder may have an intense fear of weight gain, even when they are underweight. They may diet or exercise too much or use other ways to lose weight.
I am NOT afraid to gain weight. I weigh like 104 right now and have A GOAL of 110-115! That is not anorexic! I'm not afraid, I go out once a day, I don't diet at all - hell, I drink soda, eat chocolate, pizza, fast food - I'd call that the direct opposite! I eat shitty stuff because it tastes good, not even to gain weight! I just eat what I want to eat and don't eat what I don't want to! Even people over the internet have told me that I have this disorder... they can't even see me. I say I'm thin and they automatically go to that... It's just annoying then, but then when I have people around me, people I see everyday, my damn brother just tonight less than an hour ago... It hurts, then. It's like an insult, people toss it around like a fucking frisbee. Do any of you think for a second that the people who DO have it enjoy it? It's a fear! A fear, mind you, that I fully believe is obtained from being told you're fat, being told you eat shitty, and being influenced by magazines and "models". If they can't not eat, they start smoking. Then they start throwing up their food. All because some bastard or snobby bitchy told them they didn't look perfect. Even males can have this! It's just so sadly common in girls that we all go to stereotypes! Stop taking a mental disorder so flippantly! A fear is a fear, no matter how silly it may seem! The only thing I say is annoying is when they don't try to find a way to handle or overcome it. Phobias and fears all have their limits. When you stop looking for help, that's when it's your fault.
I have been stereotyped to my breaking point all my life, but I never change. By breaking point I mean the point where I start smacking people. I am who I am. I'm not looking for approval, I'm not looking for a guy to think "wow she's hot", and I'm not worried about if people think I'm as pretty as the next girl or as good as them. I will not mold to society's image, because I like being unique. I don't want to blend in. To quote a very good movie I recommend you watch: (Easy A)"-you've got to do everything you can to fit in, or just decide not to care." I decided not to care back in 2nd grade, but that doesn't mean I've never had my doubts. The world is so highly influential, I worry sometimes that I'll lose myself in the wake of things too, but I keep telling myself that if I can't be liked for who I am, then I don't want to even speak with the people who want more from me. If you can't look at me and accept me for who I am, then don't even come near me. I'm not taking anyone's bullshit. Although, I must admit that I would never turn my suffering onto someone else. Why? Because I'm not suffering. Who I am will never change to "society", so come at me, bro. But leave others alone. People who are insecure, leave them alone. Come to me to bitch at about perfection and how I'm not the spitting image. I'll take your shit. I won't scare you away or tell you "tell someone who cares". Take all your own insecurities out on me, I can handle it. Don't hurt someone who's already hurt. I can hear it all. I'll ramble about it, and disgraced as I am to admit it I have gone and cried by myself before, but I'd rather go through those trials, get tougher, and be able to protect my friends, and even people I don't know, from senseless hate. If you've ever watched the show "What Would You Do?", know this: I'll always be amongst those who speak up. I always have, and I always will. People who are undeserving? I've got your back.
Here's why I really want this to be read, because I mean this, I truly do:
So come to me, please! If you're having trouble, I'm here. I've heard it all, felt it all, seen it all - I am antisocial for a reason, because I've had to deal with it all, and yes, in life we'll all always have things that hurt us, but we can recover. I have had only a few great people in my life who made me feel like I was another human being, an equal, but if I remember their words I can pull through. So don't worry about "bothering" me. If you ever need advice, or just need to rant or vent like I'm doing right now, it's not burden. It's actually always nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I'm sure some of you (if anyone reads this) are happy right now to know you're not the only one who is trying to stand out from the crowd, not for attention, but to maintain pride for ourselves and feel like we're going to be remembered.
I can't image a worse thing to think just before I die than that I won't be remembered with some kind of fondness. I don't want to be remembered as any kind of "that girl", I want to be remembered for who I was. That's why I make my own decisions, and do what I feel is right.
But I was sick to my stomach because of my migraine.
"You never eat. Why do all girls not eat?"
I'm not like "all girls", I'm really just not hungry, especially out in social situations. I get nervous.
"Are you anorexic?"
No. I need to gain weight, actually. I eat chocolate and junk all the time, you'd think I'd be fat!
"You must be anorexic to takes two bites and be done."
The chicken is dark and stringy, and I OCD like crazy over chicken. It has to be white meat is all! I pick it apart a lot, but I am eating!
"You're never hungry!"
I am! I am, I am, I am!!!!
Why do I have to be anorexic because I pick at my food a lot when certain pieces look weird? Why do I have to be anorexic because I get migraines and get sick to my stomach with them? Why do I have to be anorexic because I get anxious in social situations? Why do I have to be anorexic because I'm thin? Why do I have to be anorexic because I'm a girl? Or a teenager? Why has everyone I've ever met not asked, but SAID I'm anorexic?!?!?! For the love of God, I'm not! Do you know the definition? Here it is, directly copied and pasted:
"Anorexia nervosa"
Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder that makes people lose more weight than is considered healthy for their age and height. Persons with this disorder may have an intense fear of weight gain, even when they are underweight. They may diet or exercise too much or use other ways to lose weight.
I am NOT afraid to gain weight. I weigh like 104 right now and have A GOAL of 110-115! That is not anorexic! I'm not afraid, I go out once a day, I don't diet at all - hell, I drink soda, eat chocolate, pizza, fast food - I'd call that the direct opposite! I eat shitty stuff because it tastes good, not even to gain weight! I just eat what I want to eat and don't eat what I don't want to! Even people over the internet have told me that I have this disorder... they can't even see me. I say I'm thin and they automatically go to that... It's just annoying then, but then when I have people around me, people I see everyday, my damn brother just tonight less than an hour ago... It hurts, then. It's like an insult, people toss it around like a fucking frisbee. Do any of you think for a second that the people who DO have it enjoy it? It's a fear! A fear, mind you, that I fully believe is obtained from being told you're fat, being told you eat shitty, and being influenced by magazines and "models". If they can't not eat, they start smoking. Then they start throwing up their food. All because some bastard or snobby bitchy told them they didn't look perfect. Even males can have this! It's just so sadly common in girls that we all go to stereotypes! Stop taking a mental disorder so flippantly! A fear is a fear, no matter how silly it may seem! The only thing I say is annoying is when they don't try to find a way to handle or overcome it. Phobias and fears all have their limits. When you stop looking for help, that's when it's your fault.
I have been stereotyped to my breaking point all my life, but I never change. By breaking point I mean the point where I start smacking people. I am who I am. I'm not looking for approval, I'm not looking for a guy to think "wow she's hot", and I'm not worried about if people think I'm as pretty as the next girl or as good as them. I will not mold to society's image, because I like being unique. I don't want to blend in. To quote a very good movie I recommend you watch: (Easy A)"-you've got to do everything you can to fit in, or just decide not to care." I decided not to care back in 2nd grade, but that doesn't mean I've never had my doubts. The world is so highly influential, I worry sometimes that I'll lose myself in the wake of things too, but I keep telling myself that if I can't be liked for who I am, then I don't want to even speak with the people who want more from me. If you can't look at me and accept me for who I am, then don't even come near me. I'm not taking anyone's bullshit. Although, I must admit that I would never turn my suffering onto someone else. Why? Because I'm not suffering. Who I am will never change to "society", so come at me, bro. But leave others alone. People who are insecure, leave them alone. Come to me to bitch at about perfection and how I'm not the spitting image. I'll take your shit. I won't scare you away or tell you "tell someone who cares". Take all your own insecurities out on me, I can handle it. Don't hurt someone who's already hurt. I can hear it all. I'll ramble about it, and disgraced as I am to admit it I have gone and cried by myself before, but I'd rather go through those trials, get tougher, and be able to protect my friends, and even people I don't know, from senseless hate. If you've ever watched the show "What Would You Do?", know this: I'll always be amongst those who speak up. I always have, and I always will. People who are undeserving? I've got your back.
Here's why I really want this to be read, because I mean this, I truly do:
So come to me, please! If you're having trouble, I'm here. I've heard it all, felt it all, seen it all - I am antisocial for a reason, because I've had to deal with it all, and yes, in life we'll all always have things that hurt us, but we can recover. I have had only a few great people in my life who made me feel like I was another human being, an equal, but if I remember their words I can pull through. So don't worry about "bothering" me. If you ever need advice, or just need to rant or vent like I'm doing right now, it's not burden. It's actually always nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I'm sure some of you (if anyone reads this) are happy right now to know you're not the only one who is trying to stand out from the crowd, not for attention, but to maintain pride for ourselves and feel like we're going to be remembered.
I can't image a worse thing to think just before I die than that I won't be remembered with some kind of fondness. I don't want to be remembered as any kind of "that girl", I want to be remembered for who I was. That's why I make my own decisions, and do what I feel is right.
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Forgive the occasional cuss. >.> This was a journal, but since I change journals like normal people, I decided to post it, because the point is for it to be there, to mean something. I highly doubt anyone really read this through or cared, but you know, there's always that chance this could matter to one person.
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